Tag Archive: humor


From My Cold, Dead Hands…

Well, the commercial chaos and rampant consumerism that is Christmas is finally over.  If I had had to listen to ONE MORE Christmas song at work, I would have snapped. I truly believe radio shows should be held accountable for the violent actions of people forced to listen to Jingle Bell Rock over and over and over again for more than a month.  As should those asshats that play the “Oh, my wife bought me a new car for Christmas”  commercials.  Are they seriously trying to make us feel guilty if we can’t go out and buy our spouse a new Lexus?  Anyways, I digress.

Now, I am perfectly willing to use the Kindle for some things, like for traveling, sitting in the waiting room, etc, but I WILL continue to buy real books, especially those of my favorite authors.  I have downloaded lots of free books, mostly classics, that I wouldn’t have shelled out the bucks to own in paper form.  I’ll admit, the Kindle is handy,  portable, and the battery lasts forever between charges, BUT I refuse to replace my books with an e-reader.  I consider it a supplement. So, if my dear hubby thinks he can take my books, I’ll tell him he can pry them from my cold, dead hands.  Hehe.  Happy New Year, everyone.  Be safe!

 

Road Construction Hell

I sat at a dead stop for an eternity on Massillon Road today while trying to get home from work.  The past two days have been hell (first of the month) and we’ve been buried alive under a crap-ton of work, constant phone calls and troglodytes at the register talking on their cell phones and wanting to buy ten cents’ worth of candy while we’re trying to fill prescriptions.  All I wanted to do was get home and hide from everyone, but NOOOO, the city of Akron has decided to repair all its bridges and sewer lines in this area at once, so there is no easy way to get home.  O.M.G.  If only I had a damn monster truck… And a bazooka.  And maybe an external PA system on the monster truck so I could blare Metallica as I crushed everything in my path. Yeah, I think that might make me feel better. *smiles*

This could be me.

An armored humvee would work, too. Decisions, decisions...

One of my favorite bloggers recently posted this and I felt I should share it as a public service.  Mind you, I have four kids of my own, mostly grown now, so I know how difficult it is to keep the little heathens under control.  If my kids acted up while we were out, I would remove them from whatever public venue we were at and teach them the error of their ways back at the car.  Please refer to the flowchart below to see if you should subject the general public to your children yet, or if you should take remedial parenting classes and/or hire the services of a kid-whisperer.  May the Force be with you.

Gandalf and Fellowship Exposed!

I stumbled upon this funny little site this evening and, in my infinite geekiness, decided to share it with you.  The author, Cassandra Claire, wrote the imaginary diaries of the main characters in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy.  They are just parodies, people.  If you take your Tolkien too seriously, you may want to have a shot or three before reading these…

 

The Very Secret Diaries
Welcome! Here you may find the brilliant “Very Secret Diary” series by the wonderful Cassandra Claire. These are also published in her LiveJournal, but she was kind enough to agree to let your humble servant here publish them here. Enjoy!And do be sure to check out her LiveJournal.To receive email when ealasaid.com (which includes this site) is updated, please sign up for Ealasaid’s mailing list. I’m afraid that if you were on the old list, it’s been demolished by my webhost, and you’ll need to sign up again. *sigh*~ Warning! ~
These are works of parody, and as such include content which may result in loud laughter, drinks sprayed across keyboards/monitors, et cetera. The creators of these works and this site assume no responsibility for any censure or damage which may occur. Use at your own risk.These are also archived here.
Fellowship of the Ring Aragorn, Son of Arathorn
Legolas, Son of Weenus
Boromir of Gondor
Frodo Baggins
Samwise Gamgee
Gandalf the Grey
Peregrin Took
Saruman the White
Gimli, Son of Gloin
Meriadoc Brandybuck
Ringwraith No. 5
Gollum
Arwen Undomiel
Elrond
Sauron
The Two Towers Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Part 2
Theoden
Legolas, Part 2

Alas, Cassandra Claire has announced that she won’t be writing any more Very Secret Diaries. However, it’s worth noting that the livejournal post where she announced that she wouldn’t be writing more VSDs is now inaccessable. Maybe there’s hope…

Disclaimer:
This website is not affiliated with The Lord of the Rings films in any official way. The works found herein are strictly the works of their authors and should not be associated with J.R.R. Tolkien’s books or Peter Jackson’s films (may their names and works be praised!) in any official way. These are works of parody, done strictly for amusement, and we’re not making money, so please don’t sue us.
If anything here offends you, well, that’s what the “Back” button is for.

http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/

Skyrim

I have avoided video games for the past few years because I have a tendency to become obsessed with them, forgoing sleep, food, communication with my family and, at times, work, to play them. With the release of Skyrim, I am sorely tempted to give up my voluntary exile and plunge back in. My kids are old enough to fend for themselves now, my husband cooks better than me and I feel I deserve a few self-indulgent months as an elf. I may not come back. Can you get paid for playing video games? Maybe make an advertisement for Skyrim: “See? Even moms get into this game! It overflows with awesomeness and you need to buy it. Now.” Whaddya think?
On a different note, I made the yummiest oatmeal scotchy cookies last night. Took some to work and spread the love and even saved some for the hubby. If you all lived closer to me, I would have shared with you, too, because that’s how nice I am. Really. Of course, if I get Skyrim, they just may be the last batch of cookies I make in quite a while. The Keebler elves will be providing the sweets for the foreseeable future. Let me know if you like the game, describe your character, etc. Also, since I AM going off the wagon, tell me about any other games that you feel my life would be incomplete without. In for a penny, in for a pound, as my Gramps would say. Goodnight!

That’s why I’m not allowed to be here unsupervised. — TheBloggess.com.

I strongly suspect that this woman and I were separated at birth.  I made the mistake of reading it at midnight, when everyone else in the house WAS asleep. I’m afraid my laughter (complete with snorting) was rather loud.  Whatevs.   Nothing like a good belly laugh to make you feel like all’s right with the universe. Even one containing mange-ridden mongooses. (mongeese??)

via TheBloggess.com

Bowling Gone Bad

I bowl.  Badly.  Up until three years ago, I had been in a bowling alley only about 10 times in my entire life.  My husband, Brian, changed that.  He convinced me,  the ultimate bookworm and introvert,  that I should try bowling and “get out of the house more.”  I expressed my concern about the unfashionable shoes, some of the cretins that I had observed at bowling alleys, and my total lack of mad bowling skills.   He has since introduced me to the agony and the ecstasy that is league bowling, complete with finger-tip ball and new, orthopedic-looking bowling shoes.  I wish that I could tell you that I have improved tremendously over the past several years, but I have not.  The first year was particularly horrendous, as I started out with a 57 average and dropped the ball at least once each night.  It seemed impossible to hang onto it with those tiny, fingertip grips.  I know five year-olds who bowl better than that. It was a fairly competitive league and I was undeniably the weakest link on my team.  Morale was low, but buying drinks kept my teammates from hurting me.

This is how I felt my first season.

Brian and I joined a couples league last year.  This one seems to be more of a drinking league that also happens to bowl;  that is, when we aren’t busy scarfing nachos and talking.   I averaged a whopping 107  and only dropped the ball a few times, due mostly to greasy french fry fingers.  The other couple on our team consists of Brian’s cousin and his very understanding wife.  I no longer fear for my safety.  We started a new season last Saturday and I am harboring a teeny amount of hope that my average will rise above 120 this year.  Of course, there is my secret, snobbish fear that I *will* become good at bowling and will then be known as a real BOWLER.  I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that, but I do know my poor mother is having a case of the vapors over my “redneck” hobby, as she calls it.  I am having more fun, now that I’m not quite so worried about hurting myself or others.  The drinks help.

These women bowl better than me.

I really was hoping that my intellectual bent might somehow give me superior insight into how to throw the ball at the proper angle, with the proper form, etc. but, sadly, insight does not equal strikes.  My brain knows where the ball needs to go, but my arm just doesn’t get it.  I think my arm has a learning disability.

Maybe if I just concentrated hard enough and had a magic ball...

Our league’s season lasts from September until the beginning of April.  That is a loooooong season.  The way I figure it, even if I don’t improve my average much,  I will have learned valuable drinking skills.  One has to look at the bright side of things.

Adventures in ADD Cooking

I decided to deviate a bit from my usual geeky-type blogs and share with you one of my LEAST favorite activities, cooking.  Ugh.

Ask any of my family members and they will tell you: I CAN be a fairly competent cook, but I am not always successful at my culinary ventures. Usually this is due to my distractibility; a movie, a book, or anything shiny can mean the ruin of a perfectly good meal. This distraction leads to the charring of whatever is on the stove or in the oven. I have even been known to overcook things in the MICROWAVE. Seriously.  Needless to say, I have the attention span of a gnat on crack.  I have given up on regular oven timers to remind me when things are done, because, inevitably, something would lure me out of earshot of said timer and I would still  burn the food.  I now set the alarm on my cellphone, which I always have on me. This has led to a higher ratio of edible meals to meal attempts, thus boosting my confidence and compelling me to try things other than burgers and mac-n-cheese.

Tonight’s repast shall be lasagna with garlic bread and salad. Not Chef Boyardee, either, oh Ye of Little Faith.  I found a recipe online at Allrecipes.com, went to the grocery store and procured the necessary items.  Who knew there were so many kinds of cheese in lasagna?

The prep work went fairly well, though I did forget to drain the burger before I started adding it to the sauce.  I remembered after dumping half of it in, then started picking the rest out of the skillet with my spoon to avoid adding any further grease to the sauce in the pan.  I was proud of myself.  After the meat and sauce were thoroughly cooked, I started layering the noodles, sauce and cheese. Starting into the third layer, I realized that my pan was not going to be deep enough to accommodate the monster that the lasagna was becoming. I went ahead and finished the third layer, noting that it rose slightly above the edge of my pan. This was worrisome. I briefly considered trying to transfer the contents to a deeper pan, gave that up, then decided that a little hilljack ingenuity was in order. I set the baking dish on a cookie sheet and rigged an extended edge to the baking dish with tinfoil. Improvise, adapt and overcome – that’s me.  While rigging the tinfoil dam, I remembered that our neighbor had given me a nice, deep lasagna dish just last summer. I was kind of wishing I had remembered this earlier. Anywho, the lasagna monster is in the oven now. I have my cell phone here with me. Heh. We shall see how it turns out.

**********************************Intermission*********************************

Ok. I just checked on the lasagna and my tinfoil contrivance seems to be working – no overflow. The top layer of cheese was getting a bit dark, so I covered it with more tinfoil. The recipe did not tell me I needed to do this and there was still 15 minutes left of baking time.  I feel betrayed.  Although not technically burnt, it is a bit darker than other lasagna I have seen. If anyone says anything at dinner about it, they will be wearing it. Success is all about support.

I made an awesome salad with carrots, almond slices, bits of broccoli and cauliflower, and shredded cheese. I topped it with raspberry vinaigrette. The lasagna is done, so I made the garlic toast, which I did NOT burn, thank you very much. I wish the top layer of cheese hadn’t become so dark, but it tastes fine. My daughter even said that it tasted good. After watching me slave over the lasagna all evening, she was probably afraid to say anything else. Smart girl. The hubby has been drinking beer and watching the Packers on TV all evening. He said he wasn’t hungry.  He isn’t so smart.

*******************************************************************************

The Lasagna Monster.

It wasn’t really as dark as it looks in this picture.  Honest.